Confession #10

Confession #10

Today, I cried over toothpaste.

There are a lot of ups and downs during pregnancy, but for me, waiting to go into labor is a special kind of torture.

People keep saying stuff to me like, "enjoy this time, you'll never get it back," and "just relax and get a lot of sleep cause you won't be able to after." Ok, here's the thing. I've had 9 months to enjoy this time and relax and get a lot of sleep. I am straight up sick of it. I'm sick of the insane hormones and the contractions that don't actually do anything. I'm sick waiting to meet my son. 

In case you haven't heard, I'm also on bed rest. My blood pressure has been doing weird stuff but it goes back to normal when I'm resting. So now I'm not allowed to cook anything, to clean anything, or even walk over to the mailbox (which is at the front office. I live in an apartment). It wasn't that bad the first few days, but both Bruno and I are sick of the inactivity. But, of course, I have to take it all easy and everything until the baby gets here.

My hormones are freakin' nuts. I cry over everything, and I know it's stupid, but honestly, there is nothing I can do about it. Not only do I cry, but I suddenly snap at people, especially my poor husband, who is basically a saint at this point.

Not being able to go to the store myself, I asked Jaden to pick up some things on his way home from work: toilet paper, toothpaste, ice cream... And of course, I wanted specific ones for specific reasons. My dear husband came home with toilet paper, toothpaste, and ice cream, but not the specific ones I had asked for. I just broke down and cried. I felt so bad because I felt like the world's biggest jerk. He had gone and done this for me, and then all I did was cry and complain when he didn't get the right ones. 

I also keep having contractions. Baby finally dropped and now I keep having these contractions, but they're the ones that don't do anything. They get your body ready for the real thing or whatever. I've been having them for a month. It would be super cool if my body would just be ready now, because I am so annoyed at this crap. 

Last night I was having a ton of these fake contractions, like 7-8 in one hour. I called the on-call doctor to see if I should go into labor and delivery, but he said no, so I went to sleep. I barely had any during the day today, but now they're back to torture me tonight. 

So honestly, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Completely drained. At the end of my rope. So done. I get all the rest and relaxation that people keep telling me to get, but it doesn't feel as great and glorious as people make it sound. In fact, it sucks. 

I got a blessing from my husband tonight. Whenever I ask for one, he asks me specifically what I want the blessing for. I wasn't sure how to answer. It's not like a blessing would magically make me go into labor or fix my blood pressure so that I can do stuff, but I just needed something to help me out. A little spiritual infusion was sure to help. And it did. I feel a little better, but I still feel like sitting in my bed and crying my eyes out. I still hate having these stupid fake contractions and wacky hormones that mess with my head, but I feel like now I have a better handle on it. Like a renewed energy to deal with it. 

The baby will come when he is supposed to come. There is nothing I can do to make him come quicker or to make the suckiness of waiting go away, but at least I can find a new strength in myself. God is pretty awesome that way. The power of prayer is real and it can do so much. I am really grateful for that. So while I might still cry over the wrong toothpaste, I feel like I can deal with everything a little better.