Confession #10

Confession #10

Today, I cried over toothpaste.

There are a lot of ups and downs during pregnancy, but for me, waiting to go into labor is a special kind of torture.

People keep saying stuff to me like, "enjoy this time, you'll never get it back," and "just relax and get a lot of sleep cause you won't be able to after." Ok, here's the thing. I've had 9 months to enjoy this time and relax and get a lot of sleep. I am straight up sick of it. I'm sick of the insane hormones and the contractions that don't actually do anything. I'm sick waiting to meet my son. 

In case you haven't heard, I'm also on bed rest. My blood pressure has been doing weird stuff but it goes back to normal when I'm resting. So now I'm not allowed to cook anything, to clean anything, or even walk over to the mailbox (which is at the front office. I live in an apartment). It wasn't that bad the first few days, but both Bruno and I are sick of the inactivity. But, of course, I have to take it all easy and everything until the baby gets here.

My hormones are freakin' nuts. I cry over everything, and I know it's stupid, but honestly, there is nothing I can do about it. Not only do I cry, but I suddenly snap at people, especially my poor husband, who is basically a saint at this point.

Not being able to go to the store myself, I asked Jaden to pick up some things on his way home from work: toilet paper, toothpaste, ice cream... And of course, I wanted specific ones for specific reasons. My dear husband came home with toilet paper, toothpaste, and ice cream, but not the specific ones I had asked for. I just broke down and cried. I felt so bad because I felt like the world's biggest jerk. He had gone and done this for me, and then all I did was cry and complain when he didn't get the right ones. 

I also keep having contractions. Baby finally dropped and now I keep having these contractions, but they're the ones that don't do anything. They get your body ready for the real thing or whatever. I've been having them for a month. It would be super cool if my body would just be ready now, because I am so annoyed at this crap. 

Last night I was having a ton of these fake contractions, like 7-8 in one hour. I called the on-call doctor to see if I should go into labor and delivery, but he said no, so I went to sleep. I barely had any during the day today, but now they're back to torture me tonight. 

So honestly, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Completely drained. At the end of my rope. So done. I get all the rest and relaxation that people keep telling me to get, but it doesn't feel as great and glorious as people make it sound. In fact, it sucks. 

I got a blessing from my husband tonight. Whenever I ask for one, he asks me specifically what I want the blessing for. I wasn't sure how to answer. It's not like a blessing would magically make me go into labor or fix my blood pressure so that I can do stuff, but I just needed something to help me out. A little spiritual infusion was sure to help. And it did. I feel a little better, but I still feel like sitting in my bed and crying my eyes out. I still hate having these stupid fake contractions and wacky hormones that mess with my head, but I feel like now I have a better handle on it. Like a renewed energy to deal with it. 

The baby will come when he is supposed to come. There is nothing I can do to make him come quicker or to make the suckiness of waiting go away, but at least I can find a new strength in myself. God is pretty awesome that way. The power of prayer is real and it can do so much. I am really grateful for that. So while I might still cry over the wrong toothpaste, I feel like I can deal with everything a little better.

Confession #9

Confession #9

Revenge is a dish best served never.

Remember being in second grade on the playground with your best friend? Remember how there was that one time where she said something in haste, without thinking, and not realizing that it would really hurt you? Remember how you reacted out of anger and said something even meaner back? Remember how you could never be friends again because of that one little spat? Do you remember learning anything from that?

So here's the thing: Recently, one of my good friends did something that really hurt me. I acted like it didn't, but it did. She did not intent to hurt me, and did it without thinking of how I might feel. This thing she did not only hurt me, it really pissed me off. I found myself making snide comments about her, not to anyone, just myself. I even got to the point where I wasn't sure I still wanted to be friends with her. Yes, over this little thing. 

Well the situation came up where our roles were reversed and I had the opportunity to do to her what she had done to me. "Perfect!" I thought. "This will really teach her! You can't just do that to a friend and not expect it to hurt. I hope she learns her lesson from this." 

Yeah, cause that's not hypocritical right?! 

Well, fear not, I did figure that out. And I thought about the little girls on the play ground and how their entire friendship was ended over something mindless. Then I thought, did anyone end up happy? Did teaching the other girl a lesson really solve anything? Really all that this ended up producing was two upset girls, each with one less friend to play with and talk to. 

That's when I decided I was being a whiney second-grader and I needed to grow up. 

Unfortunately, it seems like as adults, we keep this crappy part of childhood with us and act upon it. Someone says something absentmindedly at church that offends us and we never go back or a friend accidentally says something rude to us and we never text them back. Another parent makes an observation about our child not realizing it can be taken badly, and we don't have play dates with them anymore. 

It's a lesson we all learned in second grade. Revenge, or teaching someone a lesson for something they have done to you, only makes you angry and alone. If we could only remember this lesson like we remember how to multiply 6 x 5. Then maybe we could stay friends with our friends, or happily keep going to church, or get our mommy time at the play date. We wouldn't end up bitter, angry, and with one less person to call a friend. 

I remembered this lesson just in time. I did not do what my friend had done to me. We ended up having a very nice time and I found that I did not even have to consciously forgive her. It sort of just happened. Now we can still spend time together and confide in each other just as we had before. It's really nice to still have her as a friend. Who knows what would have happened if I had decided to take my revenge. I'm sure glad I didn't. 

When Christ told us to turn the other cheek, he wasn't necessarily talking about letting someone beat us up or abuse us. I like to think he was talking about things like this. Where you can get angry and fight back and you can both lose, or you can turn the other cheek and things can go back to where they were without the bitterness and resentment. And if what happened caused such a riff that if can't go back to where it was? Well, then you can decide not to cause more pain than was already caused. You can decide to let go off the anger and just be happy. It works. Trust me. No, it's not always easy, but I've found practice certainly helps.

So stay friends, my friends. It's far better that way.