Confession #6

Confession #6

I was perfectly comfortable with my changing body, that is, until it became pool season...

Ok. Before you launch into the "what's happening to your body is natural" and "pregnancy is beautiful," let me explain.

First off, I have never been this big before. That's probably common among first time pregnant women. Nonetheless, I was loving my growing bump and the way I looked so dang cute in my little maternity clothes. I wasn't even bothered by the stretch marks or by my older clothes no longer fitting. Seriously, after I got over morning sickness, I hopped on the train to happy-loving-pregnancy land. 

I was still on that train the first day I headed over to the pool for some reading and sun. My bump wasn't all that big yet, so the only uncomfortable part about my poolside afternoon was trying to get sun on the back side of my body without laying on my belly. 

As time went on, though, and my bump grew, things got....strange. 

I started getting...looks. Weird looks. Mean looks. Rude looks. Of course, this could be another case of "pregnancy paranoia," but in the end, whether it is real or in my head is basically beside the point.

Surrounded by the beach-ready bikini bodies at the pool, I started to feel self-conscious. I'm no longer thin, which I was totally cool with, especially because if you don't get a belly while you're pregnant, you probably have a problem. But I still started to feel weird.

Then I started getting the looks. The looks that said, "I look better than you fatty," or "we're hot and young and you are big and pregnant." These looks didn't stop me from going to the pool. At that point, I was hoping that I was just being paranoid. 

Then yesterday I got straight up stared down. It was like the lady wasn't even trying to hide the fact that she was looking at me. Her look was even worse than the others. It felt like cancer-causing rays even worse than the ones from the sun were bearing into me. And her nasty look said, "You don't belong here. Skinny, tan people in bikinis belong here. Go away." 

Suddenly I was all like, "I'm Shamu." 

I went home soon after, feeling not so great about myself and my body. But then I had an epiphany! Don't you just love those!

I am growing a baby. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever done in my life. I get to make a person, and then have a sweet little boy, and be a mom forever. That is beyond awesome. In order to do that, my body has to change, and that is just part of the experience. Yeah, skinny and tan can be beautiful, but I know that pregnancy is beautiful. I am beautiful. My unborn son is beautiful and when he is born he'll be even more beautiful. 

So now I go to the pool, and I look around at all the pretty women (look, not rudely stare...) and think, I belong here too. Then I slip on my sunglasses, pull out my book, and enjoy the sun.