Confession #2

Confession #2

The whole home pregnancy test thing was a very awkward experience for me.

Besides the awkward notion that you have to pee on a magic stick that reveals whether or not your entire life is about to change, my experience, from start to finish, with my home pregnancy test was, for lack of a better word, awkward.

My naturally awkward personality probably had something to do with this necessary  action taking a turn for and speeding down Awkward Highway, but I cannot be the only person that felt that a home pregnancy test made for a weird experience.

First things first: They never tell you how awkward it is to actually go and buy the home pregnancy test. If you thought buying tampons when you were fourteen was embarrassing, this is that shot up to a whole different level. 

We had just started trying and I had not been showing any symptoms of pregnancy yet, and I figured it was still a little too early, but hey, I couldn't help myself. I went to the store to buy my first pregnancy test. I turned down the aisle to see the tests and had to squat to look at them all. Suddenly something I like to call "pregnancy test paranoia" set in. "Pregnancy test paranoia" is my term for that feeling you get that everyone that sees you looking at pregnancy tests is thinking something about you; probably mostly, "Is that girl pregnant?" Makes sense, right? Well, I just so happen to look like I'm still a teenager. In fact, a year or so ago, when attending a middle school play for a friend's daughter, I was asked if I was a student at the school. So yeah, I kind of look younger than I am. This trait, which I am sure I will appreciate someday, made me all the more paranoid. Perhaps they were thinking, "Is she a teen mom? Does the boy know? Will she tell her parents? Will she keep the baby? She is ruining her future. What will happen to college? Its the end of the world!!!" Or you know, something like that. 

I finally picked a test and headed to the register, sort of trying to hide the fact that I was carrying a HPT, in order to avoid make believe thoughts from strangers. What happened next is the peak of the awkwardness, although, don't worry, there was more to come.

I think most of us can agree that there is an unwritten rule that there are some things that you just don't comment on. For example, when we newly married couple leaves the reception and heads off to that fancy hotel on their wedding night, we all know what's about to happen. However, we don't comment on it. We don't slap the groom on the butt as he passes through the bubbles we're blowing or the sparklers we're holding and say "Go get'em tiger!" Why? Because you just don't. 

I thought that someone buying a pregnancy test would fall into that category of "you just don't comment." At least, I was sure hoping it did. 

I arrived at the counter to find a nice elderly lady as my cashier. For some reason this seemed to calm my paranoid little nerves and I gave her one of those weird pursed lip smiles that indicate "Hi, let's not talk about this." She didn't get the message.

"SO ARE YOU HOPING?" she asked as loud as could be. I kind of just looked at her and all that I could think was, "You are my drunk groomsman that yells 'GET SOME' as we drive away on our wedding night." 

After a moment, I tried quickly to formulate my answer. I'm not big on lying, even if its socially acceptable to lie. Kind of like in the case of someone asking how you are and you're supposed to say good even if you're not. I usually tell them how I really feel, even though I'm sure they weren't actually asking. On one hand, yes, I was hoping because I wan't to have a kid and a family and be all happy and whatever, but on the other hand, I'm very nervous and almost hoping (I know this is terrible. Don't judge me.) that it will say no because as we covered before, I was totally not ready for this. So I quickly gave my answer, realizing that I had waited longer than comfortable to talk. "Um," I said, "I don't know yet." I then picked up my semi clear bag (awkward) and went out the door. 

So, yeah, that happened.

When I got home, I wanted to take the test right away. So I did. 

The people who make HPTs must know that in reality it is a rather sadistic form of torture. You are supposed to take the test and put it on the counter and leave it undisturbed for 3-5 minutes before checking it to see what the magical stick oracle has said about your future. Well, I sort of sucked at that part. Instead of leaving it and all that jazz like you're supposed to, I stood over that sucker and watched it like if I blinked it would change and say something else. I still didn't know how I felt, whether I wanted it or not, and I'm sure I looked like a lunatic standing there staring at it. But whatever. If awkward silence means anything to you, it was like that, for 3 full minutes, just me and the stick. 

One line appeared.... 

and then...

nothing. 

I waited a few more minutes, maybe it takes longer right? The test was clear: I was not pregnant. 

That was about the time I knew how I felt. And I felt disappointed. 

Well, a couple weeks passed and something weird started happening. My period was wicked late. I had just gotten off of birth control, so I figured that was what was messing up my little monthly guest from hell. I mean, I took the test and it said no, so I should be having a period right? 

The next day, I made the ever-so-fun trip back to the pregnancy test aisle to be judged by random people that probably weren't judging me. This time, when I checked out (with a different cashier this time), there were no awkward comments or overly awkward pauses. This made it all just a little bit better. I got home and peed on the magic stick again, which, I don't care how many times you do it, is still weird. This time, since I was convinced it would say no, I went about my business and returned to the bathroom 5 minutes later to see my future. 

Two lines had appeared. 

Woah now, what?! This test had to be defective. And this time, I had been wise enough to get a three pack in order to hopefully avoid having to go back to paranoia-ville again. I took out the other two tests and took them right there and then. I set them both on the counter next to magic stick #1 and once again began my staring contest with the inanimate objects. 

All three were positive. 

My next awkward moment? My own voice in my head screaming, "What the crap do I do now?!"